Sunday, 29 April 2012
Ya know yer getting old when...........
OK, so here it is. A 40 something rant! Don't get me wrong. I actually enjoy being in my 40's. I'll be 42 in July and I can honestly say that inside my head I am only 20. I still want to go and do mad, spontaneous things and I know at times my husband would just like to sedate me to calm me down! I don't think I will ever stop being this way. At least I hope not! But, getting to my age has also meant that at times I am a bit of a whinge! I like to complain a lot about stupid things. I have the cheek to complain about my husband acting like a pensioner at times. But shhhhhhhhhhhhh. We won't tell him about my rant. So, my rant-ish type post begins!
Boobs - what on earth is going on with them. 'The girls' as they are affectionately known have taken on a life all of their own. I don't know if its hormonal but they are growing and growing and quite often try to make a break for freedom! My friend in work often says that as a gay man he sees boobs far too often - mine! They spring out of my top when I bend down to pick things up of the floor etc. He often complains they are going to blind him one of these days. Needless to say I'm not getting much in the way of complaints from my husband. Quite often the bra gets whipped off the minute I get into the car after work and 'the girls' breathe a huge sigh of relief! I am so glad women possess the skill of being able to get your bra off whilst still remaining dressed! I think the skill of pulling your bra out of your sleeve is definitely a genetic gift!
Thongs - what has happened to my ass? Gone are the days when my ass looked great in a thong. Now the bloody things threatened to cut off all circulation to my nether regions. My bum cheeks look like melons fighting for room inside a piece of dental floss! Though, I would like to point out that I have not abandoned sexy knickers completely and pride myself on the fact that I have a healthy supply of sexy knickers. I may be getting on a bit but I'll be damned if I'll resign myself to giant Brigid Jones knickers. My work colleagues tell me that my bum in a pair of jeans is like watching a washing machine on spin cycle. Apparently it wobbles and sashays like someone eating gum!?? The young ones tell me that's a good thing! I'm not so sure to be honest!
Sleep - why the bloody hell can I not sleep? I have suffered from insomnia for years. Coupled with a child who likes to sing Wham songs in the middle of the night I often survive on only a few hours. However, during those times without the singing and when I have the rare opportunity for a lie-in, can I take it? Can I hell! I lie in bed thinking about work or housework or feeling guilty because I am not at the gym. I've heard that as you get older you sleep less. If I sleep any less I'll be meeting myself getting up just as I am climbing into bed!
Alcohol - gone are the days when I could have sunk enough alcohol to sedate an elephant. Now, half a bottle and I'm almost comatose! Whats that all about? An entire bottle of wine can last a few days now! It does of course mean that my shopping bill is greatly reduced, leaving me more money to buy knickers!
Skin - why the fook has my skin taken on a whole life of its own. Why do I wake up some mornings and look like a hormonal teenager? Where are these spots coming from? I spend a bloody fortune on every lotion and potion and my husband says I smell like an explosion at a cosmetic counter! Of course, the most annoying thing about my skin is I often waken up with my hand print on either my face or neck, depending on whatever way I have been lying on the rare occasion I have slept. In my younger days, that imprint would have disappeared in a matter of minutes. Now I go into work with a big hand mark on my face and look like someone has slapped me around the room. The bloody thing takes hours to disappear. My skin has lost its bounce-back-ability! Waking up every morning is a mini adventure, not knowing what pattern will be on my face!
Crying - I cry at everything! I cry when someone on television sings a nice song. I cry with happiness when I don't burn the dinner! Hell, I cry when I run out of wine! Obviously the same hormones responsible for my ever expanding boobage!
Feet - when I first became single again ten years ago when I got rid of husband number one (the sperm donor), I suddenly became all sexy again, wearing high heels a lot. I looked fab! Now I look at a pair of high heels and wish they were trainers! Why have my feet gone all unsexy? Why do they not tingle with excitement at the sight of a sexy pair of heels? Why do they just moan and shout 'ohhhhh hell woman just put me in a nice pair of slippers!'
Young people - I work in a building with a lot of 20 somethings. Now, I like to think I am pretty hip and am pleased to say that the 'young uns' like to invite me partying because I can beat anyone in a dance-a-thon and do the splits when required (you kinda had to be there). But, one thing I have noticed as I get older is that the younger generation don't half talk crap a lot of the time! Not all I hasten to add. Just a lot of them. They are obsessed with celebs and almost throw themselves out a top floor window if their hair is not sitting right or they've broken a nail. Give me strength!
So, that's my rant for the day over. I'm sure there will be further rants. Its my age you see. Whats annoying you about getting older?
Posted by JB JOHNSTON at Sunday, April 29, 2012