The End!!!! NaBloPoMo Day 30!!!!

Its here! The end!!!! No, not the end of the world silly! (That's December 2012 apparently) The end of the NaBloPoMo 30 days of blogging challenge!!! This is my last post as part of it!  I can't believe it! I've blogged every day for 30 days! And I'm knackered! My brain hurts. My fingers hurt. My head hurts and my husband's head hurts listening to me ranting for 30 days! I have to say however, its been quite a thrilling challenge and despite my constant whinging and moaning about it I have really enjoyed it! Sometimes, actually quite a lot, I have written complete and utter dung! There were days when I simply wanted to blog about what I'd had for my dinner because my brain refused to work and come up with something more exciting or interesting to blog about! Thank goodness for the Britmums prompts some days!

So, what did the challenge teach me? Well, it taught me that I can actually write something every day. I'd had the chance earlier in the year to write for an online site thingy but I ended up turning it down because I didn't think I could write 3 posts a week!!! I can ! So, if anyone wants to offer me a writing job, preferably paid, I'd definitely say yes! The challenge disciplined me to make the time to write. I love to write but I don't always push myself to write, particularly if I am tired or stressed. Sometimes it all just seems like an extra chore. Like going to the gym! It stretched me to think of new things. I wrote about things I thought I wouldn't ever write about. Things like my childhood experiences. Did it provide some sort of therapeutic outlet. I think it did!

Am I glad I did it? Yes I am! Would I do it again? Maybe lol. What I do know is, that I have come across many wonderful new blog posts as a result of it.  So, well done Britmums. A great idea! And you never know, I might join in again next year. Whats the plan now? A rest and probably no blogging for a week! I'm giving my fingers and brain a bit of a rest................or will I? Maybe I'm addicted! Eeeeeek!!!!

This is not my life............I want a refund!! NaBloPoMo Day 29

This is not my life! I did not ask for it.  I do not want it! Surely there's been a mistake somewhere and I was given the wrong life! This life belongs to someone else. Someone stronger. Someone smarter. Someone more beautiful than I. Someone calmer. Someone more confident. I do not see this person when I look in the mirror, though I am told she is there if I look hard enough.

This is not my life. I did not ask for this child who needs so much. Her needs are greater than what my heart can cope with. This child should surely belong to someone else who can care for her much better! She needs someone with patience and understanding. She needs someone who does not cry and someone who can give her the time that exhaustion steals from me. She needs someone with courage to advocate for her and a determination not to give up!

This is not my life. I did not ask for the stress and the pain. I did not ask for the exhaustion and the heartache. I'm not ready for this life of fear, lack of sleep and tears. I'm not ready for the long hours and little gratitude! I'm not ready to give up part of myself for someone else. I'm not ready to sacrifice my life for someone else. I'm not ready to tuck my dreams away in a drawer and forget about them.

But...............this is my life. I may not like it. I may cry about it. I might complain about it. I might not want it. But its mine and mine alone. There's a person deep inside who is stronger than she thinks and has the confidence to think rationally, clearly and be determined in her convictions.  I am that advocate, despite the fear and exhaustion that sometimes prevails. I am that person in the mirror after all.  I try to laugh in the face of the fear and the exhaustion and keep working more hours than should ever be allowed. I smile when often I want to cry.

My dreams might stay tucked away in that drawer for a little while yet. But every day I open the drawer a little more to peek at those dreams. They are not gone for good.  My future might look different than what I had dared hope for but different does not have to mean bad. I have simply been forced down a different path than the one I had hoped to take. I've taken a detour. I might stray off the path sometimes but there is always  love to guide me back again. I might need a helping hand to carry my very heavy burden. I might need a gentle hand to wipe away any tears that escape. And, when I fall, I need a hand to help me back on my feet again and kind words to soothe my aching heart.  There is no shame in asking for help. True bravery comes from facing our fears and sometimes admitting its too much, too scary!

This might not be the life I want, the life I have asked for, or the life that I dreamed about. But, its my life and the wonders that have been opened up to me have filled my life with love, comfort and astounding courage.  The unconditional love  and beautiful smile from this child  gives me wings to fly.  I can look upon the road not taken and find another route in my journey because I am everything to this child and she is everything to me.

 Thank you to all who have been my guides, who have made the map of my life make sense. You held me up when weariness took over and turned the map the right way up!

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost 1915

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

This post is dedicated to @savvywendy . Stay strong Wendy. You are not alone. None of us are. It just feels like that sometimes. It is also dedicated to all the other parents caring for children with Special Needs. The 'special' means you too because of the wonderful and special love you have for your child or children. Sometimes its OK not to be OK!

Its a Crazy weekend!!! NaBloPoMo Day 28

In the Crazy World that is my Crazy Life its been a Crazy weekend!!!! Yes I know, too much Crazy! After I left work, on time, on Friday I thought that the weekend ahead was going to be fab! I was going to spend time with the kids, have date night with OH and generally relax a bit, blog a bit, do the teeniest bit of housework and get drunk a lot! Those of you who have been reading my blog for some time now know that my life is anything but simple!!!

So, Friday night is my Dorritos and dip night with my son. We grab a movie and chillax. It gives me an opportunity to catch up with him and spend quality time together. Because of my caring responsibilities with FD, he doesn't get enough of my time sometimes so we always dedicate Friday night as our night. He's 18 and still enjoys it so long may it last. However, on Friday everyone seemed to be in a stinking mood! (Except the dog who had been out for an early walk and was positively grinning from ear to ear)! Anyway, FD was stomping about and Afro Boy was frantically trying to finish a college assignment as he didn't want to spend the weekend doing it! Unfortunately FD kept interrupting him, thus adding to his foul mood! At one point he retreated to the bathroom with his laptop in the hope that FD wouldn't follow him there too! Thankfully she didn't and he finally got the work finished! Next, I got into a bad mood which was caused by OH's ex - the first Mrs Jontybabe! She was just being, well, ex-ish! Can't really say more than that! At times I want to reach down the phone line and poke her in the eyes! I'm hoping that one day technology will progress enough to allow me to do this. I reckon that if Steve Jobs was still alive he'd have invented an App for that! Then, to top it all off, the Dog crapped on the mat in the hall!!!!! He's treading a very thin line at the moment!

Saturday started off relatively OK. I had a bit of a lie in and an hour to myself before the premenstrual bear that is FD got out of bed. We had a meltdown over breakfast -  she didn't want to eat anything as per usual. She eventually asked for half a toasted bread roll! Better than nothing I conceded! FD was excited about going horse riding in the afternoon so we got on with our morning routine of me fighting to get her into the shower and me ending up wetter than she was! After untangling her hair from the pink swimming goggles she insists on wearing in the shower (she'd put them on back to front), I managed to get her washed before the boiler decided to pack up again and the water went arctic cold!

So, off we jaunted later in the afternoon for our riding lesson! We met the rest of our special needs group and waited patiently for our lesson to begin. And we waited, and waited and waited. One of the kids by this point was trying to climb on a table because she spotted the owners dog and was terrified and FD was telling another mother off for letting her child wear jeans for riding! 'Did you not know jeans are no good for riding'? she asked the freaked out woman! 'They get stuck up your bum and hurt'! Oh dear! Finally, after what seemed ages, our instructor arrived to inform us that the lesson was cancelled. Someone had forgotten to book us into our usual slot and the arena had been hired out for a competition!!! I swear I could actually see steam coming from my friends ears at this point as she went into full rant! I have to say I went into a bit of a rant myself. 'Did you not know our kids don't do waiting well and you kept us waiting over 30 minutes to tell us the lesson was cancelled?' I ranted. 'Did you not know our kids are likely to be upset at the change in their routine'? I ranted some more. Anyway, 10 minutes of ranting and we went back to my lovely new car only to find a bird the size of a low flying jumbo jet had crapped all over the car!!! Had this winged beast been eating small children or something because the mess was atrocious! The car that was so new it only had 40 miles on the clock! Big sigh from me and a forage about in my ginormous handbag for the baby wipes to clean the car!

Thankfully Saturday evening was slightly better and OH and I ordered takeaway, lit a few candles and had a nice meal together, despite the numerous interruptions and complaints from FD that she was in pain due to her back and hips. Would she take a pain killer? Would she heck!!! So, she complained and complained and complained. The only way for me to dull my own pain was to dispense some wine down my throat. I wanted to shout at my husband - 'Wine, Stat!' But I refrained from being so melodramatic - for a change!

On Sunday morning I thought that I would get up early and leave OH in bed for a bit of a lie-in. I was looking forward to the opportunity to spend some quiet time writing before the rest of the household woke up. As I walked into the kitchen I realised that we had forgotten to do all the dishes from the takeaway the night before and the kitchen resembled an Indian food massacre! It smelt like it too. So, after feeding the dog I proceeded to start tidying up. In the throes of domestic goddess-ism I turned round just in time to see the dog cock his leg against the sofa and pee!!!! 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'!! I bellowed like a demented woman! So, the dog was swept up so quickly that I think he got air sick, and chucked into the garden! On my way past the downstairs loo a smell that can only be described as, well actually I don't know how to describe it, but it made my eyes water, hit my senses like being slapped up the face with a wet kipper! This bathroom belonged to my son who sleeps in the lower level of the house. Or dungeon as we affectionately like to call it. Never mind the low flying bird from the previous day crapping on my car, what on earth had my son eaten that had blocked his toilet so bad!!!! I was not amused!!!!! Cue a rant!!! I stormed into his room, after knocking the door to make sure I didn't see him naked, or doing errr stuff, and told him that if he didn't sort his bathroom out he could crap in the garden with the dog! And then it hit me! The state of his room. It can only be described as a squat that looks like it has 20 teenagers living there. Cue another rant and threats that he could start paying me rent if he didn't get his act together!!! A grunt from him and up he got to begin his day of industrial cleaning!!! He was not happy!

By now my blood was boiling and I wanted to bite the heads of jelly babies! I let the dog back into the house again. He looked at me very sheepishly, made his way to the hall and cocked his leg again!!!! One slipper was quickly dispatched to his backside and he was kicked outside again! It seems the puppy has hit puberty and feels its his duty to mark his territory all over my house!!! I don't bloody think so! I'll be cutting off his knackers myself if he keeps this up! I'm just waiting for him to pee on something electrical and blow himself up!!! I'm imagining that the smell of singed dog is a difficult smell to get out of the upholstery.

In to the kitchen I stomped. I needed a cuppa and a headache tablet by this point! I went to the fridge to get milk for my cuppa to find that the freezer door had not shut properly from the previous night and everything was defrosting! The inside of the freezer resembled Antarctica and I half expected a polar bear to wave at me from the depth of this frozen wasteland! So, I began to hack at the compacted ice with my best metal fish slice!!! I was like a woman possessed by now! My hair hadn't even been brushed and I was standing up to my ankles in my pink fluffy boot slippers with the ice that was by this point flying out of the freezer compartment soaking them! After about five minutes my face was as red as a beetroot and I'd been talking to myself. It was at this point I thought the best thing to do was to get OH down to help. Too tired by now to even walk upstairs or shout at him, I phoned his mobile! Yes I know its a lazy thing to do but I didn't care! 'You have to come down and help me'! I wailed down the phone. 'I'm having a breakdown'! A bit overly dramatic again but hey ho! And so, down came my knight in shining armour (stripey dressing gown and 2 days worth of stubble), to save the day! I left him hacking his way through the freezer while I went upstairs to waken FD.

One of these mornings she is going to wake up with a smile on her face and say 'Good morning mummy'. Sunday was not that day! The minute I walked into her room she tutted at me and screamed about not wanting to eat breakfast and that I was trying to kill her with toast! She wanted jaffa cakes for breakfast! I don't bloody think so I thought to myself! After much coaxing she eventually came downstairs and had a buttered bread roll again and a glass of milk. We had a meltdown about 10 minutes later because she didn't want to take any painkillers and then a huffing period after that! And it wasn't even 11am!!! By this point the grumpy Afro Boy graced us with his presence in his quest to look for bin bags to hide the bodies that were undoubtedly buried under the mountain of laundry in his room! An argument with him ensued again and I took a huff myself and stomped upstairs to wash my hair. I had a whole hours peace and quiet ahead. At least I did until FD came bounding into the bedroom in her Snoopy knickers, convinced her bum had shrunk and her ears had grown! After some persuasion she left me in peace!

My mood did not improve much throughout the rest of the day and by 3pm I thought it was about time I made friends with the dog again. So, I took him out for a walk. He stopped at at least 30 lampposts along the way which made me want to kill him! We found a stray dog which we returned to its owner and were asked by a strange woman living along the road where we took our walk if I required a bag! 'Errr why I asked?' 'To clean up the crap which your dog will do outside my house'! Inside my head I went over to her and shoved my doggy poop bags up her nose. In reality I calmly informed her that I had my own bags thank you very much! I stuck my nose up in the air and marched off down the road, wrapped myself and the dog round a lamppost and almost skidded in some other dogs poo! Needless to say the walk did not calm me any!

So, the outcome of my day? After my walk I informed my family that I would be making dinner soon. My hubs looked at me sympathetically and asked 'takeaway pizza and some wine'? I wanted to shout 'No!' You make the tea! I'm gonna get fat if I eat more takeaway'! However, the draw of the wine was too much and I nodded whilst holding back tears! 'I'm having a difficult day', I sniffed. He smiled back knowingly. The dog looked at me with very sheepish eyes and Afro Boy stayed hidden in the dungeon. My Superwoman knickers are a bit moth eaten and worn this weekend. I think I need some new, double strength, belly button warming ones!

A new addiction?........NaBloPoMo Day 27

Can blogging/social media become an addiction? How can you maintain a healthy balance? 

 This was one of the prompts on BRITMUMS this week. Hmmmm now theres a question and a half! I think it can become an addiction............but surely not all addictions are bad? right?............what you mean my chocolate and wine addiction is bad for me............Pah!!!! Any how......................

The whole Facebook phenomenon was well and truly lost on me until my stepdaughter insisted that since I think I am hip and modern I should 'get with it' and have a facebook page. She set one up for me and hey presto! Now I have two! Twitter followed closely behind and I am a bit hooked on that to be honest. I love finding out whats going on with everyone and I have made some lovely friends. I am fortunate in that all my twitter and facebook feeds pop up on my phone so that I don't have to be tied to a computer or laptop. My kids aren't constantly looking at the back of my head as I'm sat at a computer.

 I have however been hooked on social media for a long time. Probably about 10 years and in the early days when chat rooms were all the craze I loved making new friends online. Chat rooms did get a bad press and were labelled as 'online knocking shops' excuse the expression, and I suppose provided some people with a new way to cheat on their partners! However, I am a firm believer that if someone is going to have an affair, they are going to do it with or without the use of the Internet! As my horrible old granny used to say, 'if there's a will, theres a way'! I made a lot of lovely friends who helped me through some hard times.

A couple of years ago I would have been one of those people who thought that blogging was a complete waste of time. I couldn't understand the attraction. What could I write that anyone would be remotely interested in reading. Well it seems that you are interested in reading it! Have you people not got anything better to do?!!! KIDDING! Please don't leave........

With blogging I was more of a start/stop/start/stop/ start again type of blogger. Although, the last year has seen me really get into the whole blogging scene and I have to say I really enjoy it! I feel like part of a big community and love the fact that other people read my blog and have an opinion on it. Sometimes I make people laugh too which is great! Sometimes I educate others, which is better! Would I say I'm addicted to the whole blogging thing? Errrr I dunno. Do you tell someone who reads everyday that they have an addiction? Do you tell someone who paints every day that they are addicted to art? Nope! I don't therefore see what the difference is. Its a hobby of sorts and personally I think its a perfectly healthy one to have.

Of course, finding the right balance can be hard and it is important that you don't spend more time writing about your family than actually spending any time with them! I'd love to completely give up my job and get a writing job. One that I could do at home. I'd love to be able to dedicate a portion of my day to writing. However, holding down a full time job, being a carer and a  mummy and a wife and a sex goddess all requires careful balancing of my day! My schedule for the day is planned with military precision to allow me to indulge in my little 'addiction'. It is fact the only 'Me' time that I sometimes get that week. Sometimes however, its a case of grabbing ten minutes or five minutes there. Sometimes I blog in the car waiting for my daughter. Sometimes I do it during my lunch break. Sometimes I do it waiting for my daughter to come out of the bathroom when she has locked herself in for the 100th time that week!

So, yes I think you can maintain a healthy balance..................if I stand on one leg, touch my nose and hop up and down. What!!!??? Oh sorry yes I am being sarcastic! Sorry. Ummmm yeah its like everything else in life..............moderation in all things! Family come first. Social Media second. Its a no brainer really!

special saturday - Communication.......NaBloPoMo Day 26

This weeks theme on Special Saturday is communication. I suppose this can mean the different types of communication we use to help our children communicate. Things such as PECS, Makaton, &  Sign Language etc etc etc..............

However, what about the other ways our special needs children communicate with us. They communicate with us through looks, stares, and other non-verbal cues. As I previously blogged about Challenging behaviour, the good old meltdown is in itself a form of communication. Our children are letting us know that something just isn't right for them and we put our deerstalker hats on and become detectives, trying to solve the mystery that is special needs.

Let me set the scene for you in terms of the not so typical ways that FD communicates her feelings to me.

Foot stamping - this usually occurs in our bathroom and usually in the middle of the night if FD gets out of bed to go to the loo. If the toilet roll has run out or she can't find the beginning of a new roll then she will stamp her feet! Took me ages to figure this out! She will stay in the bathroom all night if no-one comes to rescue her! We now have a baby monitor in the kitchen so we can hear all movement and noise within the house as the kitchen is central.

Hair pulling (hers, not mine) - this is an anxiety thing. When she was younger, FD used to chew on her hair so we always kept it in a pony tail. This in itself is communicating anxiety or sensory stimulation for her.

Complaining of tummy pain - outside of period pains, if FD has a pain in her tummy this usually means she is going to have a seizure. Years of trying to figure out her epilepsy and it finally dawned on me that this tummy pain was an indicator of an impending seizure usually followed by vomiting.

Rolling of eyes - she's bored listening to me nag. A typical teen thing!

There's a lot of other things that are really impossible to list because its just intuitive things I  have picked up over the years, but all are my ways of reading my daughter. Of knowing who she is and what she wants. He body, her eyes, her very hands all communicate something to me. Sometimes they communicate anger, fear, worry, excitement or love. I like the love one best. The thing I love at the moment is that when she gets into bed she now pats the bed and smiles at me which means 'lets have some time to chat mum'. At first I thought that this was just a ploy to have the bedroom light on for a little while longer! But now I realise that she's inviting me to share her stories of her day. And so, we chat about her day. Sometimes we have a snuggle under the duvet, though that's not easy with a lanky teenager.

So, communication isn't always about the spoken word. We just need to keep our eyes and ears and minds open otherwise we may miss out on so much of what our very special children have to offer.

Dear client............NaBloPoMo Day 25

This is a letter to all those people I work with in the wonderful field of social work. Sometimes I'd like to say some of these things to them. Sometimes I do!

Dear Client,

Today you shouted, actually no, you screamed down the phone at me again!! I put the phone on my desk and went and made a cup of tea. You were still shouting when I came back! My tea was lovely and I even had a nice chocolate biscuit while you were still ranting!

Dear Client,

Phoning me 20 times per day will not make me work faster. Screaming during those 20 phone calls will not make me listen to you. Screaming at me makes me want to stick my fingers in my ears and go ' la la la laaaaaaa laaaaa'.

Dear Client,

 Throwing me out of your house or refusing to let me in does not help us work together to make things better for you and your children. I'm just going to keep coming back and every time you throw me out I'm going to go somewhere nice for a cuppa and a bun!

Dear Client,

Telling me that you only want to see me at 8pm does not help. I too have a family I want to go home and spend some time with. You, on the other hand do not work, yet tell me you are too busy to see me during office hours. Plus, I want to go home and finish a bottle of wine and put my feet up to watch Coronation Street.

Dear Client,

wrecking my car solves nothing and only gets you into trouble with the police. I suppose you didn't give a thought to the fact that I need my car for work and for my family. But then, you don't care! I'll be happy to wave at you as you are standing in court in the dock waiting to be prosecuted for it!!! You numpty!

Dear Client,

training your dog to attack me will only make me phone the RSPCA! Then, you won't even be allowed to keep goldfish! Ner ner ner!

Dear Client,

For the love of man please clean your bloody house and stop letting your dog crap on the carpet!!! I was not impressed that I walked the whole way back to my office with a sticky lollypop stuck to my bum either or sat on a puddle of pee on your sofa! I mean ..........yuck!!!!

Dear Client,

I'm not really impressed by your usage of the English language. Whoopdeeedooo you can swear! So what! I can say Whoopdeeedoooo!!!! I can even spell it!!!!

And so, there you have it. I feel much better after my rant. Thanks muchly for listening!

ARSE DRAGGING EXHAUSTION....aka Being a parent - NoBloPoMo 24

You know when you have one of those days when one foot simply won't go in front of the other and you drag your backside around like a baboon looking for peanuts in the jungle! One of those days when it seems like so much of an effort to even lift a fork to your mouth to eat your dinner. Yup I feel like that. Only I don't feel like that just today. I've felt like that all week! Actually for weeks! Why on earth does no-one warn us how exhausting parenthood is!!!!! Why does no-one warn us that there will be times when you actually fall asleep standing up or that sometimes you get dressed in the mornings with your eyes closed and end up going out wearing two odd shoes (yes I really did do that)! Actually the worse one yet was when I went to the shop in my slippers instead of my shoes, left the grill on and forgot to close the front door! To top it all off, I forgot to bring my purse to the shops!

But, what can prepare us for the exhaustion that is motherhood? Well, I hate to break it to you but probably nothing! I think it should be compulsory to have fitness training before even embarking on the idea of having a baby! Something like a parenting boot camp!!! Just to build our physical strength up! We should be made to run miles up and down a hill pushing a pram! We should be made to carry a toddler and 10 shopping bags whilst jumping over hurdles! And all in high heels!  And counselling to prepare you for the emotional roller coaster that is being a parent. Of course, being a mummy or daddy is so rewarding and there is nothing like the joy of holding your baby in your arms for the first time. But good grief people, why does no one tell us that children, when they get older, never ever bloody stop talking! They talk when you are trying to eat, they talk when you are trying to sleep and they talk when you are on the toilet!!! There's nothing like the sound of 'mummy...........' just as your bum hits the toilet seat! They time it perfectly!

Just to complicate matters, juggle all of this with a job and hey presto! WINE ORDER FOR JONTY!!! DOUBLE CHOCOLATE EVERYTHING PLEASE!!!! Anyway, if I even start to expand more on the job thing I might just cry! Or get drunk! So......moving on .............

And why, oh why does no one tell you that children can make your heart soar with happiness one minute and have you reduced to tears the next! They turn us into babbling idiots and we soon find ourselves trying to out-do every other mother in the birthday party competition! So what if we spend all of the weeks grocery money on a party for 30 small children! Our child WILL have the best party. People WILL talk about our child's party for months! So, you see, even the most rational of people can turn into a complete and utter nutcase once parent hood strikes!

There used to be a time before motherhood when the only thing I carried in my handbag was my makeup bag and purse! However, once motherhood got its grasp on me my handbag became a ginormous changing bag. Yes I was one of those people who carried a toilet roll everywhere with her! Designer shoes became slippers or trainers and my hair often took on a life all of its own! Thankfully none of that lasted too long and I resumed some semblance of a human being. Now however, the challenges that are met with looking after a special needs child often mean that there are days that mean my hair looks like I have been plugged into an electric socket and I often go to work wearing my jumper inside out! I suppose being a mother/carer means there will always be an element of having major mummy duties that will continue throughout my daughters teenage years and into adulthood. Its a good job Superwoman knickers can be worn outside your clothes because given the fact that I'm so tired  some days its obvious I can't dress myself properly! I keep a spare pair to wear on my head during the days when I can't find a hat to keep my ears warm in the Winter!

Knicker elastic snapping moments!.......NaBloPoMo Day 22

Challenging Behaviour!!!! I hate that terminology. I hate it because this is what is most dominant in our lives at the  moment. So, just what is Challenging Behaviour? Well for FD at the minute, her challenging behaviour is manifesting in quite an upsetting way. She has begun to hit herself, punch herself in the face and pull her hair out. Lately, during one such episode she punched herself and then had a huge nosebleed. We are unsure if the nosebleed was as the direct result of punching herself on the nose or as a result of the meltdown!

To watch your child hurt herself because she is so distressed about something is heartbreaking. This is a new thing for us to have to cope with. In the past all her physical aggression has been directed at me and I have suffered many a bruise as a result. But that was when she was younger, smaller and easier to restrain. Now she is a 5ft 5 inches tall teenager who seems to find all the strength of a wrestler! However, although 13 years of age she only functions somewhere around age 6 due to her learning disability so things become doubly difficult. Whilst FD is quite a vocal child and we have been lucky to not have had to cope with too many speech and language difficulties apart from a slight delay when younger, she is unable to vocalise calmly and rationally about how she feels. Of course she is not alone as this is a common feature for many children on the autistic spectrum. At the moment it doesn't take a lot to upset FD and of course this is a common feature of simply being a teenager! This has been accompanied by exaggerated sighing and much door slamming!

'Meltdowns' or challenging behaviour displayed by children on the Spectrum are of course indicators that something is wrong for the child. Be it SENSORY OVERLOAD, being worried about something, being tired...............the list goes on and on and on. But finding out what it is that may have triggered such an event can sometimes be as complicated as that Rubik Cube! Days are often spent walking on eggshells! Whether its caused by the onset of puberty, FD's sensory difficulties have heightened again and she gets upset at the volume of your voice, especially first thing in the morning when you have to talk very quietly as she is particularly sensitive then.

FD's behaviour at the moment can last for hours or it can last for nothing more than a few minutes. She can come out of it as quickly as she goes into it and its almost as though a whirlwind has stormed through our home, destroying everyone and everything in its way. Afterwards we have uncontrollable sobbing and a very apologetic FD. We have tried every strategy we can think of to help manage this behaviour but do not seem to be having any luck and as a result I fear FD is suffering. So, we have admitted defeat and asked for help! FD has been referred to a behaviour support team who will assess her and give us some guidance. Its ironic that through my job I have often given parents advice around behaviour management but am struggling to find something that works for my daughter. I'm not too proud to ask for help. I'm not too proud to admit that this is stressing me out and making me weary. I love my daughter and I'm sure we'll all find a way through this. But, for now, we are wandering down that road of unknown territory where hopefully we will find some answers. Meanwhile, I'll keep wearing my superwoman knickers and hope that FD doesn't creep up behind me snap my knicker elastic!!!

The many faces of ME........NaBloPoMo Day 21

I was listening to that song 'I'm A Bitch....'  by Alanis Morissette. I love it! The Lyrics are just brilliant! I love the line 'I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother,' as it always makes me think about the many different pieces of us. To others we are many different things and have many different faces. So, who am I?

Well, the label 'bitch' does often apply to me. Apparently, according to my work colleagues I can go from angel to bitch in 0-6 seconds flat! I suppose I need to be a bitch at times when I need to be tough and face some very difficult situations. Its probably a defence mechanism to protect my heart from the horrible and cruel things I see and hear most days.

'Lover'........I like this one!! Well who wouldn't! I'm lucky enough to have a love of my life who makes me want to continually jump him and cover him with big sloppy stuff and and and and....................oh OK enough!!!! Best not say too much more here! Feeling very flushed all of a sudden!

'Child'......I am the first born child of my parents. I have one sister who I grew up with and some half siblings that I have never met. I don't know their names or even how many of them there are. One day I will look for them or hopefully they will look for me. Its just another giant piece of the puzzle that is my life!

'Mother'............I am a mother to a kind and caring 18 year old son, a beautiful 13 year old daughter and 2 step children aged 10 and 16.  I am known also as the office 'mother' as I look after everyone else, make sure they are OK and ensure everyone eats properly and takes care of themselves. If anyone needs advice they come to me! I'm not altogether sure why! I'm not even the oldest in my office! Being a Mother also means I hold down more than one job at home. I have sub jobs! ..........

• Nurse...........cleaning up puke and wiping sweaty brows.
• Cook........my home economics teacher at school said 'god help the man you marry because you can't sew and definitely can't cook'! Charming! I'm on to husband number 2 and not because I killed husband number one with my cooking - though I wish I had!
• Cleaner........see above. Also cleans toilets, floors etc etc etc........the list goes on!
• Counsellor........solving all problems in my family!
• Taxi Driver.............ferrying my children from place to place. Will be so glad when my son passes his driving test!
• Carer...........loving and looking after a special needs child.

Of course, we mustn't forget that all important of jobs............Superwoman. So as not to be entirely sexist.......Superman. Not sure if any men read my blog. I'd love to hear from you if you do!

I try not to let all of these labels and job descriptions define who I am. But, whether I like it or not they are who I am. However, I am more than the labels and they don't begin to describe what my wishes, loves, dreams and desires are. However, that doesn't make them any less important. Without the many faces of Me who would I be? What would I be? Where would I be? Well I know one thing for sure........every parent should be given the job description of 'juggler' as we hold down all these jobs. We juggle whatever life has to throw at us and we juggle it well. Some days there just aren't enough pairs of Superwoman knickers!

Pass me the knitting needles!!! NaBloPoMo Day 20

Its been a funny old week in the Jontybabe household. FD has been full of her usual madness! She came home after being out with her brother to announce very proudly that her brother had a gay friend! She was so pleased because mummy has a gay friend too and she thinks he is just fantastic! Unfortunately, sharing this news with the uber religious mother in law didn't score me massive brownie points! I expect to be burned at the stake any day now!

Poor FD is suffering from all manner of aches and pains these days. Horse riding last weekend saw her doing new things on the horse, such as cantering and jumping. Her poor legs hurt and as she likes to tell the world her ' bum aches because of the horse riding'! Shouting this in the middle of Tesco certainly got us some funny looks! Her general health hasn't been great this week and she has been very tired. Apparently practicing playing the tambourine in school is taking its toll on her!!! According to her! The exhaustion this activity appears to inflict on her has been used as an excuse to lie on the sofa and bark orders at everyone else in the household! She also likes to use it as an excuse to get out of chores. FD's social worker from the disability team called out to see us and FD thought this would be a good time to teach him all about periods! He handled it all very well and took it in his stride! The poor man didn't really have much choice as she shoved her social stories book right under his nose!

Speaking of social work, it was another week of being yelled at, screamed at, doors being slammed in my face and being kicked by other people's children! I've had computer crashes, coffee spillages over my phone  (wouldn't mind but I don't even drink coffee) and an administrative error which meant that meetings got cancelled and I got yelled at some more! Combined with having my windscreen wiper twisted off my car and the microwave in work blowing up, I'm having a career crisis! And, lets face it. Who could blame me!

OH was away for 2 days on a training course and I found myself lapsing back into the sweat shirt and big baggy pyjama bottoms as I had the bed to myself. How quickly the sex goddess crown slipped! I almost put on a face mask and put hair rollers in but I managed to fight the urge to look like a bag lady just because my husband was hundreds of miles away! I was so glad when he came home but missed the comforting bag lady clothes! Is this middle age? Oh hell! Who am I kidding!!! I liked it! I liked being a bag lady if only for a short while. Luckily not enough to make it a permanent thing. Not really sure how OH would cope to be honest! Its bad enough that when I waken in the morning, the front of my hair has managed to become pyramid shaped whilst I was asleep. Can you imagine if this was my daily day to day look? Doesn't bear thinking about does it?!

This week also saw me trying to keep my mother and my mother in law from ripping one another's heads off! It was all a very civilised form of battering each other through evil looks and rolling of eyes. I made the mistake of taking them both to a fundraiser at FD's school. My mother in law hates my mother because of her lack of maternal instinct and grandmotherly (is there such a word?) instinct. My mother hates my mother in law because she is so involved in our lives. My mother chooses not to be! There's no pleasing some people! So, I spent the entire evening ensuring that both had my attention in equal measure so as not to give either the opportunity to complain they were ignored. Yes my mother has complained I didn't paid her enough attention - on my wedding day! Definitely no pleasing that woman!

 

We've also had our fair share of screaming meltdowns that have almost made me want to stick knitting needles in my ears!!! Combined with an hormonal teenage girl and you have all the makings of a full on nuclear explosion! Right now, I'm sitting on the floor outside the bathroom door writing this post. FD has locked herself in the bathroom yet again. She's actually stopped screaming and I could pick the lock and let myself into the bathroom. But, I reckon its safer to wait for for her to come out when she's ready! I don't fancy trying to avoid low flying toothbrushes and bars of soap! So, all in all its just been a normal week in the little oasis I call home!

How's your week been?

A perfect Rainy Day....NaBloPoMo Day 19

The fire is crackling in the hearth and I can feel the comforting warmth on my face. Outside the storm is raging and blowing, angry that it cannot breach the walls of the house to get at me with its cold fingers to chill me to the bone. Beside me on the sofa, the dog sighs contentedly in a deep sleep. He dreams of chasing cats and finding bones. He also basks in the heat of fire.

At my side, a book lies open, waiting to tempt me back to a world of impossible adventures and rainbows! I pull the blanket around my shoulders and breathe in the scent of the candle that flickers its shadow on the wall, dancing and teasing different shapes, filling the room with smells that transport me to sunnier climates and crashing waves on a beach.

I look around the room at my children. They are such perfect and wonderful children that my heart swells with love. I never imagined a love as strong as this. My wonderful husband comes into the room bearing gifts -  a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit! A look of love from him and I know that my life is truly blessed!  This is my perfect rainy day!

Will it happen? Well I can only dream! Maybe...............just maybe today!



Blogger groupie? Me? Umm............NaBloPoMo Day 18!

A blog prompt from Britmums is Which blogs/bloggers are inspirational to you? Who do you turn to for support and inspiration with regards to blogging? When I sat down and thought about this, it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I enjoy so many blogs that it would be totally impossible to pick just one or two, but I would try. Each blog I enjoy offers me something different and a different type of support.

There are so many Special Needs blogs that I have come across over the last few months that have opened up for me a whole world of support that I didn't know existed. Reading about how others cope with life's daily struggles humbles me sometimes. When I am having a bad day I often think about how difficult others might be finding things and I try to pull myself together. Quite often I am  in awe of the strength that people seem to find despite the daily struggles that they face and most still find the time to offer advice, comfort and support to other people. Truly incredible people! I often wonder how people find the strength to go on through the most difficult of circumstances. Truly amazing people. The friends I have made through the Special Needs connections within the Blogging community are truly wonderful, outstanding and extraordinary people. Anyone who ever says anything negative about blogging and the internet obviously doesn't realise the power of blogging and the lives that it touches. So, blogging community, I thank you so much for all the support you have offered and the hand of friendship that you have extended. You are truly amazing people. There are so many of you that it would take me hours to list you all but I'd just like to give a mention to some.

• @Crystal Jigsaw a truly amazing person who not only understands the complexities and difficulties of raising a child on the Autistic Spectrum but also has realised her dream of becoming a wonderful Author! I am filled with pride at her accomplishments.
• @savvywendy who has many battles to face each day but is determined to educate the world about Special Needs and is an outstanding person.
• @Andie_E who is just an incredibly supportive and caring person!
• @LittleFellandUs who just gets on with it and makes me laugh!

I could go on and on and on about the special needs community but would seriously need days to list all the wonderful people within this community. Please don't be offended if I haven't mentioned you. But, you know who you are!

I have also found another little niche within the blogging communnity, and thats the lovely friends I have made in the writing community! I have always had a dream of being a writer but have realised my limitations in this area so know that its probably never going to happen for me. However, that doesn't stop me wanting to support those who do have incredible talent. This is why I have joined the loveahappyending.com Associate Reader team. I have to say that I have never come across such an incredibly wonderful and friendly group of people! The support they show one another and me is truly inspirational with every member, readers and authors alike, being there for one another. An amazing group of people.

So, there you have it. The blogging community is an enigma to those who are not part of it. People wrongly assume that it is full of boring people with nothing better to do that write nonesene on the internet. Maybe some people do. Thankfully I have found so many people who never fail to amaze me with their courage and their sheer determination never to let life stand in the way of what they want. Those who fight relentlessly for their children's rights, and those who fight for their dreams. Thank you all for making me a part of it all.

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." - Maya Angelou

A different type of love affair!.....NaBloPoMo day 16

'Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.' ~Mark Twain

As I have often blogged about, I love books. I love all things bookish. I am completely crazy about my books. I love them and cherish them like they were my own children. I get all excited about new books arriving in the post. I love the smell of a new book and the feeling of the crisp white paper. Equally, I love going into a second hand book shop and the smell of the books wafts to me and clings to my very clothes! Its like an Aladdin's cave of treasures waiting to be discovered!  I can't wait to get started into a story and get to know all the characters, find out what makes them tick and decide whether I like them or not! Quite often I can be found with a book in my hand whilst trying to make the dinner or when I've got a spare five minutes. I always carry a book in my bag and another one in the car! Well you never know when you are going to get stuck in a huge traffic jam or buried under 6 feet of snow! I have enough books in my house to see me through a winter in the Rocky Mountains if I needed to! My husband, son and step daughter are all keen readers but even they cannot understand my addiction to books! I think my mother in law, who is a bookworm understands a bit but can't get her head round my reading tastes. Whilst she reads nothing but romance and religious stuff, I read all manner of books. I do have favourite genres of course but will give almost anything a go! While most women love to go out clothes shopping, I love to go out book shopping. Take a recent trip out with my friends. Although I did not buy a book, I helped a friend choose one! In my little mind, a book was bought! My craving was abated a little. Though I did buy a very fancy notebook! Anyway, why the addiction to books you might ask? It started when I was a small child.

My childhood was poor. Poor in the sense of poverty and poor in the sense of it wasn't very happy. My parents had an awful marriage and there was not much happiness about with constant midnight escapes to my grandmother's house to live there for days, weeks or months at a time. My grandmother was the typical fairy story wicked grandmother and thought that children were nothing more than a hindrance so she gave us money to try to get rid of us.  It was a very limited amount of pocket money but what money I could get my hands on I bought books with. If I had no money I borrowed books from the local library. Books transported me to a whole new world where grandmothers were kind and caring little old ladies with their grey hair in buns and  they did not hit you or call you horrible names! In books, good people always won through, overcame diversity and magic and fairies were as common as cars and buses! I was like Jo March from Little Women, struggling to keep her family together and afloat and was so proud of Jo for selling her hair. Could I sell my beautiful long blonde hair to help my family? Small shoulders carrying a huge burden where the weight of the world sometimes seemed too heavy to bear. I imagined that Black Beauty would gallop over the horizon and take me somewhere faraway! We'd hide in The Secret Garden and hope to meet Peter Pan and Wendy! Me and my hair would be safe!

As a child, these characters were real to me. They gave me some hope that there was a magical place outside of my bedroom that didn't have the sound of parents fighting, windows being smashed and the police banging on the door! A place were we didn't have to hide from debt collectors or tiptoe past the drunken bum, usually my father, who was lying unconcious at the bottom of the stairs!  With my head stuck inside a book I could pretend these things weren't happening. I could be someone different, somewhere different! A place were I didn't have to hide anything of value for fear of it being sold or given away.  On the days where the safest place was hiding inside my bedroom, I imagined I was a princess locked inside a magical tower like Sleeping Beauty, and a prince would rescue me. I had a little stash of coins hidden away there too because any money that was found by my father was used to buy alcohol. He'd be happy but I'd be bookless!!! The one story which made me cry however was the story of The Little Match Girl by Hans Christian Andersen. Not many people have heard of this story but it is about a poor little girl who tries to sell matches in the freezing cold winter to make ends meet. But she is so cold that she lights the matches to try and keep warm and sees a vision of her dead grandmother. The little girl dies in the end and is carried to heaven by her grandmother. It broke my heart! In my little fantasy world, good children didn't die! I was a good child! A compliant and quiet child! I needed stories of love, bravery and new lives to be had in faraway lands! Of course, as I got older I had resigned myself to the fact that not all fairy stories came true and that life is hard and reality is harsh. But, that didn't stop me disappearing into books and in fact it renewed and invigorated my love of reading even more!

So, here I am as an adult, trying to solve the odd murder mystery or solving deep dark family secrets! I'm the heroine in every crime story and the love interest in every romance! You get the general idea! All of us at some time or another need a bit of escapism. And, as much as it annoys me to admit it, we sometimes need to read that other people's lives are as bad or worse as our own! We seem to thrive on other people's misery! Books for me are as important as having a heart that beats and a set of lungs that work well! They are the machine that drives my body, my psyche and help me to sometimes go in search of  the weird, wonderful or downright unbelievable. Please don't read this blog and think that I have missed out on so much through my childhood because I haven't. I've been lucky enough to wave at the trains with the Railway children and had a picnic in the Secret Garden.  I've helped Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys solve mystery after mystery, been scared out of my wits by goblins and ghosts and I've even been to Narnia! I've run across the moors with Heathcliff and Cathy and swooned over Mr Darcy! Heck I've even helped Sherlcok Holmes!  How many people  have lived the wonderful life I have and continue to have? The adventures never stop and never will!

' The stories of childhood leave an indelible impression, and their author always has a niche in the temple of memory from which the image is never cast out to be thrown on the rubbish heap of things that are outgrown and outlived.' ~Howard Pyle

'Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book.' ~Author Unknown

FIRE, FLOOD OR END OF THE WORLD......What would you save? NaBloPoMo day 15

I am a die-hard fan of disaster movies. You know the sort of thing - meteor hurtling towards the earth and everyone getting evacuated. Or, big fire or flood. You know the sort of thing. Unfortunately, fiction has had the knack of finding its way into real life with many natural disasters happening around the world lately.

I was just looking around the house today and was thinking about what I would take with me if I ever had to leave my house in a hurry. Of course, the most obvious answers that spring to mind are my children, the dog and OH are the most precious things / people I have in my life. But, outside of those precious people in my life, is there anything I would risk life and limb for to rescue.  I know it's a bit of a silly one as nothing is as precious as life, but there are certain objects in my house which hold such deep, sentimental value that I'd be devastated not to have them around me. They comfort me. Their familiarity makes me feel happy and at home. Most have no financial value at all but hold precious memories for me. So, I hear you squeal, what are these daft objects that Jontybabe can't live without??? They are in no particular order of importance.

1. Books - as you all know, I am book mad. OK, maybe book insane might be a better description.  Of course I'd be totally heartbroken to lose my entire book collection because they have brought me such joy and transported me to many beautiful places.  However, most could be replaced, apart from any author signed copies I have. But some of them could never be replaced. I collect antique books or really old books that have some sort of sentimental inscription with a date in them. I love the ones that have beautiful and unusual covers. I have a very early edition of the Pilgrims Progress, which is absolutely stunning and a bible from 1887! Ironic that a lot of my old books are religious! Some Atheist I am! A bible collector!

2. A little wooden chair. It is a child's chair. It is tiny. It is old, battered and worn looking and probably wouldn't hold the weight of a tiny child. Friends keep telling me I should restore the chair but its uniqueness is what I love most about it. The chair used to belong to a neighbour who lived in my street where I grew up. She was so kind and caring and always welcomed me into her home to spend time with her and her lovely family. For a child who was growing up in a less than normal and mostly unhappy home, this house represented normality and love. A safe retreat for a scared and lonely child. When I went to this neighbours house, particularly when there was some sort of argument between my parents or my father was drunk again, I'd sit in the little chair with a glass of milk and a biscuit and watch television. I was her important visitor, allowed to sit in what had been her chair as a child. This lovely lady has since died many years ago and her family passed the chair to me. I'll always treasure it. This is a picture of the actual chair! 

3. My ring box. This is an antique  ring box I bought off Ebay for my wedding day. It holds 2 wedding rings and my step-son held it in his sweaty little hands on our wedding day, whilst we said our vows. Engraved on the lid is MR & MRS and I love it because it reminds me of such a special and magical day.

4. A photo of me! Yes I know this sounds a bit daft but let me explain. Its a black and white photograph of me as a toddler. I think I am about 18 months old in it and I am holding my favourite teddy bear called Rufus. The only other pictures that currently exist of me are a tiny picture of myself and my sister taken in a photo booth. Its old, black and white and tattered looking and we are making funny faces in it. I think I am about 10 / 11 years old in it and my sister is about 8 years old. We look so happy and cheeky in it. My mother also has a portrait of my sister and myself that my uncle paid a photographer to take. Its a cringe worthy picture! It saddens me that there are no other photographs of me as a child. I would love to see what I looked like and what memories the photographs might evoke. It often feels like a piece of my history is missing or has been erased. Any childhood photographs were either lost, taken or destroyed in the carnage that became my parents marriage and subsequent divorce. I don't even have a photograph of my dad and my last memory of him is sketchy as I was 11 years old the very last time I saw him. He is now dead. I can't remember what he looks like.  This makes me sad. My kids complain I take too many photos of them. I'm merely recording their life stories. They don't get it. Maybe they will when they are older.

5. Following on from No4 - Photographs of the children. Enough said! No need for explanations here!

6. Squeaky Bear! This has been my son's teddy since he was growing happily inside my tummy. His real name is Threadbear and he is a character from a book by Mick Inkpen. However, my son couldn't say Threadbear so he called him Squeaky instead because he squeaked of course! Squeaky has gone on every holiday with my son so is a well travelled bear. Poor Squeaky has been in the washing machine and tumble dryer more times than I can count and has been trampled on, puked on and been run over by the car! But still he squeaks! Of course, now my son is 18 years old he thinks that he's too old to have Squeaky in his room so the tiny little bear lives in FD's room, watching over her as she sleeps. I love Squeaky because he represents everything that is my children. He represents their innocence and he reminds me of the stories I used to tell them at bedtime when they were small. In all these years, Squeaky has been the protector of my children. The chaser of monsters during nightmares and the thing they have turned to for a cuddle when feeling sick. I love that bear because he reminds me that my beautiful caring little boy has turned into a lovely, kind and beautiful hearted young adult. Squeaky reminds me that my daughter is turning into a beautiful young woman who still possesses the innocence of a young child and she still has Squeaky to look after her! Yes I'm a sentimental old woman I know!

7. Memory boxes. When I found out I was pregnant with each of my children I started putting together memory boxes for them. In them I have icky things like the home pregnancy tests I took. I have their scan pics and hospital wrist bands. In their little boxes are the scan pictures of the two babies who never got the chance to be born. Who fell asleep inside my tummy at 12 weeks.

And, so, there you have it! My little treasures. I'm pretty sure that OH will be disgusted that I haven't added his Beatles collection or golf clubs but he can make his own sodding list! 

Things I am thankful for.....or trying to convince myself that life doesn't always suck!

This post is in conjunction with the Blog Prompt on BRITMUMS for the week and is also a NaBloPoMo day 14 post. The prompt was 'things I am grateful for' and is in itself prompted by the fact that its Thanksgiving in America on November 24th.  Anyway, in order to convince myself that life doesn't always suck I've made myself think about some of the more positives of life! My life in particular. Oh no is that a collective groan I hear!.?......not another one of those bloody posts. Never fear dear reader!!! You don't have to participate if you don't want to. You can simply sit back and read safe in the knowledge that you don't have to put your brain into gear today! Unless you really really have nothing better to do...............like cleaning the oven. So, here goes...........things I am grateful for!

1.I have a truly wonderful husband.  He's simply that good!!! He just 'gets me'! He puts up with an awful lot and has the patience of a saint!

2. I am loved. I never used to believe I was lovable. Now I know I am. I hear the words ' I love you' every day and more than once.

3. I have THE most wonderful children. They inspire me and give me the courage to get through each and every obstacle. Without them I wouldn't bother getting up in the morning. Yes I know I complain constantly about them but that's in the 'parent job description'!

4. I have THE most wonderful step children or as someone described them as 'bonus children'. I am blessed. I have gone from someone who was told she would never have children to someone who now has a total of 4!

5. I have a beautiful home that is my sanctuary at the end of a bad day. It may not be my ideal home but its home! One day 'home' will be somewhere quiet and beautiful where my daughter can be happy and safe and spend her days in the countryside, enjoying nature and helping me grow vegetables!

6. I have a good job, despite my rants about it. In today's economic climate I'm lucky to have a job at all. My brother in law has recently been made redundant and I am thankful not to have the worry that unemployment brings.

7. I have some truly wonderful friends who have helped me through the good times and bad times and who have been responsible for most of my hangovers! Recently I have acquired some wonderful online friends too and the blogging community has meant I've found more support than I could ever have imagined. So thank you everyone. I am really thankful for your friendship.

8. I'm reasonably healthy. I whinge every day about some ache or pain but mostly I'm OK. My husband has dared me to wake up just one morning and say 'I feel brilliant today'. Its never happened but despite all my crying and complaining I'm still here!  My body is probably pickled because of the copious amounts of wine I drink but its obviously doing me some good!

9. Strength - I'm thankful that I usually find the strength to carry on through the most difficult of situations when often all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry. Sometimes I do that for a little while but not for long. The tightness of my superwoman knicker elastic reminds me that I've gotta get up off my backside and stop feeling sorry for myself!

10.  I'm bloody brilliant! In every way!!! Yes I know the whole concept of modesty has been lost on me but I don't care. I think its important to sing your own praises! I think I have my head screwed on OK and lead my life the way its supposed to. I reckon I'm an alright parent and am doing not too bad a job.

So, what are you thankful for? Even in the most dire, desperate and depressing of situations there is always something in our life to be thankful for.

Friends - and not the one with Joey & Chandler....NaBloPoMo Day 13!

Yesterday, myself and a group of my friends - 5 of us in total went on our yearly Christmas shopping excursion. There's usually 6 of us but one of the group couldn't get childcare. Anyway, this has been a tradition for about 7 years now since one of our group moved away from the rest of us. We all make the journey, which is less than an hour really, to her house and then onto a full days shopping extravaganza!

The 6 rag tag group of 40 somethings (of which I am the oldest), have known since secondary school. So in total roughly about 30 years, since we were 11/12 years old! We all sat at the same table in English class and I suppose we were a bit geekish at school! When we left school I lost touch with them all for a couple of  years. I got married young and had my son. Losing touch was my fault rather than theirs. I was it love with husband no 1 and that kind of took over and everything else was forgotten, including friends. However, we met up again when one of my friends was getting married. Its been fun fun fun ever since!

Anyway, our yearly Christmas shopping expedition usually consists of quite a few 'pit stops' in local pubs and coffee shops! A rule we try to have is that out of all the presents we buy for family and friends, we buy at least one thing for ourselves! One of my friends is addicted to shoes so we can pretty much guarantee what she will come home with! More shoes than Imelda Marcus!

A fun day was generally had all round. Lots of laughing, lots of gossiping and lots of 'thank goodness we're having a child free day'! Don't get me wrong. We all love our children dearly but boy it was good to be away from them for the day! A day to leave the husbands in charge to manage runs to  youth clubs, football matches etc. Mop up tears, poo and sick. And make sure the dogs were walked and the house and make sure school uniforms washed and ironed for Monday! Though, yesterday this didn't quite go to plan as we discovered when we called into a local pub for lunch only to be put beside a family with 2 screaming children at the next table. Not only did one of the children scream, she screamed so much that even her poor mother walked outside to get a bit of a breather from it all! I did feel for the poor woman as I know what that is like.

Our little group of friends has been through quite a lot over the years. Between us we've had a couple of divorces and remarriages (me & 1 other). We've had 2 cancers scares (not me). We've had horrible mothers making our lives a misery (me and 1 other). We've had 2 miscarriages (yes me again). We've had major career changes (errr yeah its me & 2 others) and we've had death within our wider families (all of us). So, over the years we've all had a variety of troubles along the way, but through it all our friendship has remained. Sometimes we could kill one another. But through it all we have all stayed and will always stay good friends. How we are all friends amazes me because each of us are so different in many ways with different personalites and completely different lifestyles. I suppose the biggest thing that separates me from my friends is that I'm the only one with a special needs child. Yes I have other friendship groups that include special needs children, but not this group. Has it made a difference? Sometimes yes, but often No.

My friends are very understanding and supportive of my caring role. One of them even looks after my daughter once a week after school. But I suppose its perhaps myself that creates that difference. I get jealous hearing them talk about their 'normal kids' doing 'normal kid' things. I get angry at them worrying about stupid things like maths tests or boyfriends/girlfriends of their children. But, I can recognise that the problem is mine and not theirs. Why shouldn't they talk about their children and worry about the same stuff other parents worry about. My worries are just different than theirs. My priorities are just different. Different doesn't mean wrong!

And so, our friendship endures. We have another year to look forward to of mad nights out. Madder nights in and girlie nights away! Another year of lunches out and laughing at each other in the gym as we desperately fight to make the middle age spread go away! We will always hopefully be as crazy as we were at school. We might be in our 40's but that doesn't stop us dancing like we were still 18 and drinking enough cocktails to put the Sex and The City girls to shame. It seems that our brains haven't quite worked out that we are suppose to be grown ups by this age. That, for us, does simply not compute! Who in their right mind wants to be a grown up? Not us, that's for sure! So, if on a night out you see a group of six friends sitting in a corner giggling until one of us wee's our pants a little (probably me) or we're pretending to be one of the kids from Fame (all of us but always me), then come over and say hello! Deep inside of all of us is a character from Sex and The City but we'll always have either a baby wipe, dummy, bits of Lego or tissue in our handbag alongside our pillar box red lippy and spare Superwoman knickers! Well, you never know what little adventure might come along!