THE LESSER SPOTTED TEEN – PART 2!!! - GIRLS!!!

For those of you who cast your mind back to our adventure into teenage-dom, we discussed how teen boys could be spotted. Now, dear adventurer, we shall embark upon a journey of discovery in search of the teen girl!! An altogether different species which should only be approached with caution as there are many hidden dangers when coming across the teen girl!

How to spot your little miss has become your little madam? Like the teen boy, teen girls can be found through the power of smell. Your teen girl will smell of perfume, deodrant, and of course excessive amounts of hairspray. There will also be the pungent, biscuity smell of fake tan. As your teenage girl embarks upon womanhood she is genetically predispositioned to change the colour of her skin from normal to orange! This remains a mystery but it is thought to attract the teen boy!

In order to visually track your little teen darling you just need to follow the trail of shoes,and  dirty clothes (worn for 5 minutes before being disguarded). Unlike the teen boy, the teen girl can also be found by its unique call..........'muuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, daaaaaaaaadddddddddddddddd, I can't find..........'. The teen girl will be heard making this ear peircing noise at least 100 times a day. This will do 1 of 2 things........

1. It will drive the mother to go look for that gin again.
2. It will drive the father to ground and he can be found either hiding in the garage cleaning his golf clubs or hiding behind the newspaper feigning deafness!

Of course, do not let us forget the teen girls amazing ability to make entire buildings shake to their foundations by slamming doors as hard as she can without actually dislocating her shoulder! (This unique skill is carried on into womanhood).

The teen girls call does however have the unique ability to awaken the teen boy from his gaming coma and he will barricade himself into his bedroom in fear of his sister! Unlike the grunt communication style used by her male counterpart, the female teen often talks incessisently! Whilst not requiring her thumbs to be surgically removed from a games console like the teen boy, the teen girl may need to be surgically removed from her mobile phone! Despite having spent the best part of the day with her friends, the constant texting, phoning and social networking can often cause the father to feel sick at the thoughts of how much its all costing him. The teen girl is physically unable to leave a room without her mobile phone and if forgotten the teen girl has a unique homing signal to find her way back to her phone! Quite often the teen girl can be found chatting to her fellow teens on the house phone whilst texting on her mobile. It is not yet known how this skill was learnt but the skill of multi tasking appears to be found only in the female of the species!

Like the teen boy, the teen girl can be found in her room for prolonged periods of time. Knocking is also required before entering the teen girls room, to allow the teen girl to quickly wipe off the 3 inches of American tan makeup and electric blue mascara that her parents have banned! The teen girls amazing ability to camouflage is a skill that must be refined over a number of years! The teen girl does however have the ability to leave the house looking fresh faced and lovely and then be like a completely different girl by the time she gets to school / party. Her ability to quickly change her appearance to overly made up, short skirted teen, is thanks to a unique skill known as , 'cleverly packing your schoolbag / overnight bag / handbag'. The teen girls chameleon ability is frowned upon by the father figure who feels that his little girl should still be wearing ankle socks and have her hair in plaits. He will often vomit at the thought that his teen girl may be looked at by teen boys and will become overly protective, fighting the urge to mow down with his car, every teen boy within 100 yards of his daughter!

Unlike the male teen, the teen girl is a little easier to get out of bed each morning. She is fully aware of the time needed to complete an essential routine which has to be done before the teen girl is able to leave her lair. The obligatory hair straightening must of course be done, even if her hair is already straight! Of course once the hair is done it must be redone because it will never be quite good enough. Next comes the packing of her bag with the hidden makeup. The teen girl is a master of disguise. She will leave the house resembling a school girl and by the time she has reached the end of the street she will looking like a 20 something woman on her way to a rave! Or a hooker! The teen girl will also use her school blazer as a fashion accessory. The blazer her parents paid almost £100 for will never actually be worn, but will be carried around or trailed along the ground. 

The teen girls diet consists of crisps, chocolate and chewing gum. She appears to have a unique ability to eat copious amounts of these products without putting on any weight. Out of these products, gum is the most essential dietary requirement of the teen girl as apparently it is an aid to looking, cool, sophisticated and attracts the teen boy! Unfortunately, unless chewed properly she can actually end up resembling a camel eating a toffee!

The teen girl comes under the category of 'Dangerous Animal'. Her mood swings can change from sickly sweet to Sabre tooth tiger in 0-20 milliseconds! One minute she loves you and the next she wants to stick your head in a mangle! In terms of predatory animals, she is the most feared of the teen boy! Whilst using her high pitched squeals in an attempt to get others to understand her point of view, she can drive the father to a nervous breakdown and the mother to hide in the cupboard under the stairs! During times of disagreement, the teen girl has an amazing ability to cry at will! The father has no resistance to this line of attack and will give his little girl anything she wants. The mother on the other hand does have a resistance to this weapon of mass destruction and will, once reinforced with gin, stand her ground and become the dominant female! There will be much stamping of feet, squealing and throwing herself on the ground, before the female teen concedes that she is not the dominant female in the house, despite what she thinks!

A favourite past time of the teen girl is shopping. Unable to recognise that she does not require 10 tops all the same colour, nor does she need red sparkly shorts, the teen girl becomes a frenzied animal when spotting a bargain! She will often step on the head of her best friend in order to get those lovely red platforms! Unfortunately the teen girl has a problem with her eyesight and is unable to spot that the dress she has just bought gives others the view of what she actually had for breakfast and that she may in fact be picked up by the vice squad because she looks like she is selling her wares!

And so you have it! After reading this you should definiately be able to spot if your sugar coated little daughter is in danger of turning into a teen! Like the teen boy, the teen girl can incite feelings of anxiety, fear and dread in her parents! Beware the false smiles, crocodile tears and upturned lip! She will use her hypnotic sing song voice to get everything she wants! You have been warned!

THE LESSER SPOTTED TEEN!!! - part 1 -BOYS!

Imagine if you will a wildlife programme by the great David Attenborough. He's not foraging his way through the jungle as he normally would, looking for flying squirrels or mountain gorillas. Nooooooooooo.........He's stealthily working his way down your garden path. He's on the lookout for the lesser spotted teen!! So, where on earth would one find one of these elusive creatures and how do you know when you've finally found one?

Well, the answer is simple! Firstly let us focus on the male of the species. In order to find one, follow your nose! Yes, the teenage boy is known for his pungent smell! The smell is a mixture of body odour, aftershave and damp towels! In order to visually track this creature just follow the trail of muddy footprints, the odd hoody lying about and empty cola cans. Once found, he can be spotted engaging in a strange ritual called gaming! (This is often interchangeable with that well hidden of pastimes - internet porn!) During 'gaming' the teen boy is found with his thumbs permanently attached to an electronic device and  he is often rendered speechless and is only able to communicate via a series of grunts. He often forgets to eat and will willingly accept plates full of bacon sandwiches or sausage rolls. Both of which he can eat with one hand, thus allowing his other hand to remain attached to the electronic device!


 Great caution is needed upon entering the teenage boys bedroom. Knocking of the door is required as the teen boy is often in a state of undress and is not happy to be found sitting in 3 day old boxer shorts! However, if he does remember to wash and dress he can often be found in a grubby hoody. Why he insists on wearing the hood up in the house has remained a mystery. So therefore, the teenage boy should not be mistaken for ET. He is actually human, despite his hunched over appearance, lack of communication skills and rancid smell!

Occasionally the teen boy will leave the safety of his lair and venture into the living room where he will waste more of his day watching sport. It appears that the teen boy does not have a preference to any particular sport but will aimlessly 'tv channel flick'. This can often induce a state of hysteria amongst his mother who is forced to retreat to the kitchen to find the bottle of gin she has hidden. When the teenage boy finds a sport he wishes to focus on he becomes aggressive towards the electronic box in the corner, often shouting at it. This is learned from 'the father' who can also be found vegetating in a corner of the room shouting at the television. This ritual is known as 'father-son bonding', and can be recognised by the beating of chests, the consuming of crisps and the sound of cola burps.

An activity enjoyed immensely by the teen boy is that of eating. The teen boy is a grazing animal who will occasionally have bouts of foraging and gorging. As previously discussed, the teen boy will accept plated offerings to his room to allow him to concentrate on the gaming ritual. However, equally the teen boy enjoys huge meals. He will not chew his food but inhale it! The teen boy can consume his food faster than a ferret up a trouser leg and never appear full! Very rarely will any food be left on the plate and quite often second helpings are sought! The gin swigging hunter / gather (mum) will be required to go in search of more portions, whilst her own meal gets cold! However, leaving ones meal unattended in the presence of the teen boy can often result in losing ones rights to that meal! More gin at this point is needed by the mother!

The teen boy appears to require huge amounts of sleep in order to survive. Whilst he can be found up half the night gaming when he is supposed to be in bed, he needs a jcb digger to get him out of bed in the morning. During these times, once again, the teen boy has lost the power of speech and can only communicate via grunts. He somehow has acquired the skill of being able to find his way to the bathroom without opening his eyes. Unfortunately this skill does not allow him to effectively aim at the toilet and he either ends up urinating on his feet or all round the toilet rather than in it!

So there you have it! A brief synopsis of the teenage boy! If you spot any of these specific features in your young boy then remember one thing...........SHOW NO FEAR! Teen boys can smell your fear and will instantly react by using the 'I'm still your little boy' strategy in order to win you round. This will involve your very tall teen standing beside you, hugging you and telling you he loves you. This will invariably lead you to a number of things - 

1. Money quickly leaving your purse / wallet
2. Handing over the car keys (If your teen has reached the dreaded teen driver stage)
3. Handing over the tv remote – say goodbye at this point to all your favourite programmes.
4. You become taxi driver to the teen and his friends.
5. You agree to the teen letting friends stay over – say goodbye to sleep and possibly your house!
6. Agreeing to all manner of stupid hairstyles / piercings / tattoos 

Parenting a teenage boy will test your parenting ability to the max. It is a scary job but does in fact bring many rewards. I can't think of any right now but I'll let you know once I find my gin!

Dorritos, Snuffly noses, the Easter Bunny & N-Dubz

Well its been a hectic sort of week. My step children, The Human Dynamo (HD) & The Princess (TP)  arrived last Friday for a pre Easter visit. They usually visit over the Easter period but dates didn't work out this year. But, at least we had them. Its been a good week. Unfortunately I had to work 2 of the days they were here. I've had really bad flu and with the house filled with 4 children instead of 2, the decibel levels were rocket booster level!!! Not being able to breathe definitely hindered my ability to shout much, which I suppose, from the children's point of view, was no bad thing!

Having my step children with us, whilst extremely stressful at times is also a lot of fun. Poor OH had to endure a N-DUBZ concert with my step son, Human Dynamo.  Now, some people may not find this too difficult an ordeal. For my husband, it was a whole different kind of torture. The man is a Beatles fan for goodness sake! Can you imagine how much he wanted to rip his own ears off! After offering to pay off every member of the family to accompany HD to the concert, to no avail, he was forced to go himself! The joys of having children with really bad taste in music! OH came home from the concert looking like he'd been run over by a bus and Human Dynamo came home wearing a fetching gold chain and N-Dubz medallion!! Bad dress sense too that kid!


My step daughter, the lovely Princess, is a professional shopper and what started out as me saying here's £20 for a top, ended up with me just basically handing over the contents of my purse. No point in putting up a fight! At 16 years of age, her dress sense can also get a little dubious and I had to explain what I meant when I said, 'No you can't have that mini dress because you look like a whore at a hockey match'! I thought she took it pretty well! Though I think her mother may disapprove of the high heeled boots I have sent her home with and the 'Jonty thinks its a good idea if I get my belly button pierced because she has offered to pay for it!' I may not be too popular! I could hardly argue.....I've got mine done! Her aunt and granny looked like they were sucking on a lemon when they heard this so I can only imagine the response from her mother! I think I will hide! The Princess also has not learned the art of subtlety.....e.g 'oh dear my laptop isn't working too well.' or 'how long would it take me to save up for a mac book?' I swear I will gouge OH's eyes out with his credit cards if he gives in!


We all had a lovely day at the local beach, despite HD and Afro Boy (AB) accidentally almost bouncing a baby out of her car seat with their football! The child's father took it pretty well despite his little girls screams! My son AB has now developed a keen interest in photography and was taking the most random photos. I'm not sure how artistic you can make a bluebell look in a photo but hey ho! Lots of time spent with wider family was had also. I even made dinner for 11 of us! I didn't lose my temper once or attempt to strangle any of the children! Overall, it was a success. The bottle of wine I drank however did lead to me talking complete and utter garbage on Twitter and going to bed early with a headache!


During the past week I have consumed my body weight in Dorritos and dip and takeaway food. The princess just loves to have movie nights..........every night!!!! Unfortunately she has appalling taste in movies and one evening I wanted to curl up in a dark room and hide away. Who knew there were so many bad movies out there!


The Fashion Diva coped fairly well with having her step siblings here. We didn't have any physical altercations this time and FD didn't try to shove HD's head through a wall, despite him winding her up on occasion! We did have a few tricky moments with HD still not having a clue that he shouldn't tease her despite FD being hormonal.  Usually, HD + hormonal FD= recipe for disaster! No blood was spilled on this occasion, although the Human Dynamo did manage to brain himself with swing ball game and had to have a bag of frozen onion bhaji on his head to help the swelling go down. Naturally, as sods law dictates, this was 15 minutes before he was due to leave for the airport to go home to his mother. When he was here during the Summer we sent him home minus an appendix and part of his bowel! Luckily at Christmas however he went home mostly in tact!


So, that was my week in a nutshell! Having step children come to stay can be a very rewarding experience. I always wanted a big family so step children really are the ready made family. Its difficult at times I suppose to find your place with regards discipline and saying no. At times I felt that the Human Dynamo could have done with a telling off the same way I would tell my own children off, but I'm still not confident crossing that line. Particularly in front of my in laws. I'm pretty sure they don't approve of me dishing out punishments etc when the children are on their holidays with us. OH however has accepted now that holiday does not equal free rein to do what you like, when you like and generally all the children are treated equally with regards to rules etc. Although HD is mega cute and usually gets away with a lot more than he should! Yes there were times when I would have liked to said to The Princess, 'stop being so untidy', but I bit my tongue and probably gave her a lot more leeway that I do my own kids. She has that affect on me! Its the big puppy dog eyes! Thankfully I have been blessed with two step children I love dearly and I see them as an extension of my own children. In my heart they are my children. I am very lucky.

......Lost my oomph!!!!

Oh dear! I've been very lazy regarding my blog over the last few weeks. I've been very busy and really, if I'm honest, had nothing very exciting to say!!! Well I'm sure I could have thought of something but I'm suffering from 'tired blonde brain'. Its a common affliction that happens to me often. During these times there's almost a buzzing in my head .........that's my brain winding down. I wish there was a winder on the back of my head so I could restart my brain. Then theres the attack of the snorty snores! This is when I sit down to read a good book or snuggle up with OH on the sofa to watch a movie..........then BAM!!!! Snore-tastic!!!! And not just a lady like, sexy purr. Its a full blown piglet snort with mouth wide open and drool down my chin! These are the times that OH surely struggles to find some semblance of the sex kitten I used to think I was! So there you have it...........my oomph is well and truly deflated and disappeared off somewhere to lick its wounds.

Nothing of great note, except a lot of drama has happened since I last blogged. But that's for another blog. Its all been a bit of a drunken haze with too many nights out and too much work / family and friend related stress! Today of course I displayed classic blondness and in true Jontybabe fashion I made a complete ass of myself!!! With lots of emergencies happening in work it was a case of me trying to do a million different things in as short a time as possible. Not only was I dealing with my own cases but also a colleagues too. It was pandemonium. Because of this I never got a chance to get lunch. That was until I remembered there was chocolate cake across the other side of the office! I jumped out of my chair like a kangaroo on speed and made a dash for the cake. Unfortunately I hadn't realised my bag strap was wrapped round my ankles and I hit the deck like an elephant falling out of a tree! I landed right at the feet of a work colleague who thankfully was gentleman enough not to wet himself laughing...........think he waited until I left the room! I landed hard on my knees and elbows in a very undignified fashion! I don't do graceful apparently!!!

The Fashion Diva has been her usual ray of sunshine at times. Her latest obsessions at the moment are one of 3 things - 1. a Local politician. FD knows where she lives and is threatening to knock her door and ask for her autograph! 2. Rory McIlroy and golf. FD has started calling herself Mrs McIlroy and has been glued to the television to watch the Masters. We had a total meltdown when Mr McIlroy lost the Masters! It was not pretty! 3. Her arms and thumbs............yes I know this is a freaky one but FD is now convinced her arms and thumbs are different sizes! Those of you who regularly read my blog will know that this is a bit of a theme. Last time she thought her ears were shrinking! No amount of convincing or measuring will convince her!


Anyway, that aside, I'm still alive for those of you who thought I'd abandoned the blogosphere. I haven't! Jontybabe has not left the building! I've just been looking for my oomph and rubbing my sore knees!!!