Monday, 19 December 2011
Fake tan and making babies!
Just for one weekend I would like no drama!!! Of course without drama I'd probably be bored silly!!! Here's how my weekend went.
On Friday I arrived home to an empty house. My husband was away visiting my step daughter for her birthday and the Fashion Diva and Afro Boy were visiting the Sperm Donor (their father) at his mother's house. He was in town for his twice yearly visit. So, I had the rare treat of having the house to myself! I think the last time this happened was in 1999! Oh I had such plans. I was going to make a light dinner for myself, light the fire, light some candles, watch Its a Wonderful Life and wrap Christmas presents! It was going to be perfect! Of course I hadn't reckoned on the mad puppy! Every time I sat down to wrap a present he attacked the wrapping paper and barked at me every time I pulled at the sellotape!!! I was so close to wrapping him up! There very nearly ended up a doggy shaped present under the tree!!!
When the kids returned I half expected a mega meltdown from FD as she would not be seeing her dad for another 6 months and she often didn't handle him leaving well. However, when she came through the door she practically fell asleep within 5 minutes. She just about made it up the stairs to bed! Result!!! Too tired for a meltdown! That was a first!!! I was loving it!
On Saturday we met with my best mate to go get my god son a Christmas pressie. FD remained calm throughout, despite the hordes of Christmas shoppers who were driving me mad!!!! She did talk incessantly though!!! She remained calm all the rest of the evening and I thought it was too good to be true. It was.................................
On Sunday I had a lovely lunch planned with 5 close friends. Its a tradition we do every Christmas. The girls go out for Christmas lunch in a lovely hotel - its actually the one I got married in. I love it! So, I decided to glam up for the occasion!! Any excuse!!! So, after my shower, I thought I would put on a little bit of instant tan! I wanted a nice glow rather than the sickly milky white colour I usually am! So, despite being completely double jointed, (Yes I know! Its a true gift), there are certain parts of my back I still can't reach. Cue my lovely husband. I asked him to help me out! After fighting off his octopus type advances I convinced him to actually put the sodding cream on my back! Just as he was doing so, FD came bursting into the bedroom in hot pursuit of the dog who was having a mad blitz and running riot! She took one look at OH rubbing cream into my back and screamed, 'I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! YOU TWO ARE MAKING A BABY'! She then stormed out, almost taking the door off its hinges. No matter how much I tried to explain to her that nothing inappropriate was going on, she simply refused to listen. She threatened to phone Childline! I'd obviously not explained the facts of life properly to her! If making a baby was as easy as rubbing fake tan on your back I'd have 100 children!!! And so the screaming went on, and on, and on ............................................
Twenty minutes before I was due to be collected I was still sitting in my pj's crying my head off whilst FD was screaming her head off!!! I couldn't possibly go out to lunch now. Or could I? Sod it! I was going to go, despite the fact that my back was tan and the rest of me was snowy white! I was like a patchwork quilt! So what! Who would know! A fashion adjustment was called for! So, my original outfit was thrown back in the wardrobe and a fancy top and a pair of black jeans was chucked on and off I went! OH would just have to deal with it....................once he had finished arguing with the dog who was dragging all the presents out from under the Christmas tree!!!
And so, off I went and didn't come home for 4 hours! I consumed far too much wine and promptly fell asleep on the sofa. FD was very apologetic and conceded that babies could not be made using fake tan! With Christmas happening next weekend I dread to think what will happen then!
How did your weekend go?
Posted by JB JOHNSTON at Monday, December 19, 2011